I was recently asked the question, what my biggest fear is,  I have to admit, this question really had me thinking. Sure, I have experienced my fair share of adversity, I believe most of us have, some were small losses and some were bigger ones. While some of them still hurt, some others allowed me to live the life that I now do, some of my losses did not only change my mindset for the better, but also turned out to be the greatest opportunity of my life. Over the years I have found great strengths through my personal adversities and discovered endless methods to deal with those seemingly unpleasant or difficult situations, in ways that serve me.

However, thinking about my fears still makes me shiver internally. While adversities are usually actual events or situations that happen to us, or how I love to put it, things that happen FOR us, fear is something that really only lives inside our imagination. Fear creates negative emotions about something in the future that may never even happen, yet it seems to have such great power over our actions and reactions of the present. Fears are usually influenced by emotional events we’ve personally experienced and by stories that enter and never escape our minds, so when trying to think of my number one fear I started searching for situations that have particularly aggravated me, situations that still make me upset thinking about them and make me react in ways that I am not proud of. I thought about it for a while and found that my biggest fear is “Not being able to fit in, in a world that I don’t even want to fit in”. Fitting in, or the need for acceptance, is a basic human instinct. In a way we all want to fit in and belong somewhere. However, reaching for our full potential, not giving up on our goals and dreams, is also in the nature of the modern citizen.

When choosing a life on prosthetics over a wheelchair, when quitting my well paid job only to move half way across the globe to follow my dream to become a paralympic medallist and when creating my unique trail of life, far away from the norm, I made the decision that it was far more important to me to live a meaningful life, a life where my short term actions are in alignment with my long term goals, then it was to fit in and find acceptance. Choosing a path off the beaten track has created many moments of joy and fulfilment, but also many moments of doubt, loneliness and insecurity. When making decisions that are way out of my comfort zone and far away from the norm, decisions that often can’t even be understood by the people around me, I make the decision to get closer to my long term goal of living a remarkable, impactful life. However, in doing so I also make the decision of no longer fitting in, of hiking many parts of my trail of life alone, of being questioned and criticised, doubted and talked about. I run the risk of great failure and heart breaking disappointment.

To date I still find myself in situations where I just don’t fit in. I live a life predominantly standing; yet require a wheelchair accessible room when I travel.  I have lived on three different continents and while I still appreciate the values I got taught growing up in Germany, I have also adopted many from my time in America and Australia.  Although I will in some ways always remain a foreigner in my new home Australia, I also feel foreign in many ways coming back to Germany. I still can’t name an accurate job description when people ask me what I do for a living, and I still, every now and then, feel my eyes filling up with tears when I find myself in conversations with people that just don’t understand.

And yet I truly believe it is 100% worth it. After all, what I fear the most is the fear itself because that’s the only thing that stops you from living life to the fullest. If I had decided to live life in ways so that I could fit in, I would have settled for less then I deserve and less then I am capable of. When facing great adversities, I have adapted a mindset of choosing love over fear, trying to see chances and choices when others may only be able to recognise difficulties and losses. I have decided to approach the seemingly unsolvable with love, compassion and intention. I have now made the decision to apply the same when facing moments of fear, when being confronted with situations and people that trigger my buttons, situations where my fear creeps in attempting to interrupt my inner peace and this great love for life itself. I have committed to greet my fears with patience and kindness, making sure that it won’t prevent me from reaching my ultimate goal, living a meaningful life, leaving the world a better place than I have found it, having lived a life that will continue to matter in other peoples hearts past my time.